Good morning Year 5!
Today’s focus: Writing (draft)
Today is for practise. That means that you can write your opening sentence or first few sentences on the blog and then I can give feedback. Then you can finish your writing in your Home Learning Books, making sure you proof read and edit as you go, ready for publishing it on the blog tomorrow!
Your story could be either:
a) about your chosen super power
b) similar to ‘My Cousin is a Time Traveller’ but with another wacky title and imaginative superpower. It could be ‘My Sister Can Fly’ or ‘My Mum is a Super Hero’. Jot down ideas in your Home Learning book.
STORY WRITING
Use this success criteria as a checklist to ensure you have included everything needed for your story:
* I have organised my work clearly (a clear beginning, middle and end).
* I have used capital letters, full stops, exclamation marks, commas and question marks correctly.
* I have used lots of different connectives to link sentences and ideas (next, then etc.)
*I have used some WOW! words to make my writing interesting.
* I have used speech and punctuated it mostly accurately.
* I have used noun phrases.
* I have written in the correct tense by choosing the correct form of both regular and irregular verbs.
*I have used varied sentence openers.
* I have used paragraphs
These links may help you with your story:
BBC Bitesize: How to plan your story
BBC Bitesize: How to invent a new character
BBC Bitesize: Narrative structure
Remember: In a fictional story, like the one you are beginning to write today, the first paragraph should hook the reader and grab their attention. You might do this by describing the setting and giving specific detail in a way that sets the tone for the rest of the story.
Don’t forget to share the start of your writing only. Don’t type it all up today – we want to share everyone’s finished pieces tomorrow.
We look forward to reading your writing.
Good luck!
Mrs Avdiu xx
printer-friendly version: Thursday writing blog
As today is not my working day, Miss Carruthers will kindly respond to the blogs.
While you are writing your stories, try and start your sentences in different ways to make it more interesting for your reader. Do you remember using ISPACE in lessons? I can remember Mrs Avdiu telling me about it and I thought it would be helpful for you to have and use today: ISPACE Sentence Openers
Good morning everyone, I hope you all are well. Here is my first paragraph:
A long time ago there was a superhero called Cat-Zoom, she had the strengths of a cat and was the fastest person on the earth, she was faster than a flash of light. She could hear something that is up to 100000 metres away and could see things that were hundreds and hundreds of miles away. She was known throughout the world for he brave deeds and fearless acts of courage. Her arch-nemeses is Bulldog McScar Face who has earned his name after Cat-Zoom and Bulldog had a intense battle, which ended with Bulldog with a huge scar across his face. They have been fighting for many years now but neither of them have ever won, but that was about to change…
A very exciting opening Elsa, I can’t wait to read more 🙂 I like the word choices you have made to describe Cat-Zoom. Check your first sentence, it may be better split in two rather than using all the commas.
Hello!
I just wanted to ask if it is OK to make a new superhero?
Please let me know!
Of course! Be as creative as you like!
Hi everyone this is my draft, I hope you enjoy.
This is Joe McLaren (also known as Fire Boy) the hottest super hero I know. Joe can face heat as hot as fire. He can rescue people and bring them safely away from fires. The person who gave him the name Fire Boy was called Zaper-tron and the other person who gave him his fire powers is called Zaber-tron they are brothers. They took care of Fire Boy when he was born as his mother and father died in a fire. Fire Boy was born on the 16th August 1998 he is now 22 years old. He lives in a lava cave. He has three super powers one he can shoot fire out of his mouth another he can breathe fire and the third one is he can fly.
Now you know all about Fire Boy find out the challenges he will face tomorrow…………
Well done Dylan, I am very excited to find out about the challenges he faces!
Have another re-read of your paragraph, I think you could do with some conjunctions to join clauses in a sentence. Have a look at this sentence as an example:
Fire Boy was born on the 16th August 1998 * he is now 22 years old.
Check the * as I think you could do with something joining these two clauses.
Don’t forget your commas in a list in your last sentence 🙂
Hello Everyone,
Hope your having a good day so far!!
🙂
This is my few first sentences:
Strong, the super hero flies in the dark bleu night. Looking to see if any thing was going wrong. He all ready saved ten times the day. He was named NIGHT THUNDER!!!
I hope you like my first sentences.
Well done Violette, it’s a good start. 🙂 Try to see if you can combine the first two sentences using commas. Who or what have he already saved?
Check your spelling of bleu as well!
Hi Mrs Avdiu/Miss Carruthers,
I wrote this narrative before but you couldn’t read it. I just wanted to let you know that I am going to improve it and will post it in a good font this time! Here is my first (improved) paragraph:
Deep in the forest in Canada, there is a beautiful and sparkling river called the Oxtongue River. On the edge of this river was a turtle named Corduroy. Corduroy was a brave and kind turtle. He was not just any turtle, he had superpowers and could run as fast as the wind! His best friend was Mr Blimp. Mr Blimp was just an ordinary snail and was not as brave as Corduroy. On normal days, they would play in the magnificently blue water, but today they were chasing the worst criminal of all, The Destroyer.
Wonderful Gabriella! I’m pleased to see that you have included some description in your writing. As you continue your story, see if you can vary how you start your sentences.
Hi everyone,
I have finished coming up with a superhero story.
Hero
Everyone in my family is a superhero. Everyone except me and my twin brother that is. I don’t think anyone had ever noticed us before!
They were all too interested in their own lives to care much about the magnificent adventures of me and my Twin Brother. Until one day.
I will now finish writing the story and I will publish it on tomorrow’s writing blog
I hope you all have a great day!! ✨?
Sebastiao ?
Well done Sebastiao, that’s a good start for your story 🙂 Try and see if you can extend your sentences, they are all quite brief. What makes excellent writing is having your sentences vary in their length and structure.
OK I will edit and try to make varied sentence lengths.
Thank you – you can do it as you continue your story 🙂
Good morning everyone!
I hope you are all well!
These are my first few sentences:
Hundreds of people have been captured by the cruel Tarnak the Destroyer and are being used as henchmen and slaves. Luckily Dash is looking for his hideout waiting for the perfect moment to boost into super speed and bring them all to safety. Will he do it?
I hope you all have nice day!
Very suspenseful opening Tommaso, well done! Remmeber to use commas after any fronted adverbials at the start of your sentences:
Luckily, Dash is looking from his hideout, waiting for the perfect moment to boost into super speed and bring them all to safety.
Thank you Miss Carruthers,
1 sentence) Strong, the super hero, flies in the dark, blue night.
sentence3 ) He already saved ten times the day; one where the villain took the queen’s crown, another one when they tried to take over the world…
Great edits Violette! For sentence 3, swap it around so you say: He already saved the day ten times…
Good luck with the rest of your writing 🙂
Hello everyone! I am back! I have decided to make a new superhero as I thought that it would be nice!
I will not give out to much info about my hero as I want to make it a surprise!
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
ICE BOY
Sam Parker, also known as Ice Boy, is one of my favourite superheroes of all time.
As the title says, my hero has Ice powers. Sam got them when he was in Antarctica researching about penguins and Elephant Seals. He fell on his back and got some snow in his throat. The second after, he somehow managed not to feel cold anymore! He could actually sit in the snow in shorts and he would not be cold!
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
I hope that you like my hero!
How exciting Nika! I wonder if you can make your story more like a narrative, rather than you telling us about a superhero. Try not to include yourself in it.
I can’t wait to read the rest 🙂
Hi everyone.
As The Makeo standard ontop of the skyscraper her leaf -green eyes gazed into the midnight sky. The wind whistled and whipped her jet black hair with neon green stripes in, as she stood proudly admiring herself, in a window of a building opposite her. The Makeo, or as I know her Jeanette Cole, was brave and determined and extremely smart, that she could answer the most trickiest maths question in her head, in five seconds.
A wonderful start Sara. I love the phrase ‘the wind whistles and whipped…’
You don’t need the comma between herself and in in your second sentence.
Check your last sentence:
The Makeo, or as I know her Jeanette Cole, was brave and determined and extremely smart, that she could answer the most trickiest maths question in her head, in five seconds.
If you are writing a list, use a comma rather than multiple ands and check your use of that, do you need it?
Hello everyone i hope you are all ok and having a nice day, this is my beginning of my story.
Blazer Bulldog
Blazer Bulldog is a very well known superhero. He has the power to smell from about 10,000 miles, he has a lot of strength and he can see like we see in the day but in the dark. He is a very clever superhero but sure makes a lot of arch enemies. The worst is Cat Eyelash. This super villan hates Blazer Bulldog she will do anything to stop him. Their last battle Cat Eyelash got away and ever since Blazer Bulldog has a fear she will come back some day. Blazer Bulldog is a very nice person really, but in battles he can be scary himself. He has just always wanted to help everyone since his pet Blue the Bulldog ran away.
ԅ(¯﹃¯ԅ)
Well done Claudia! A really good introduction to your characters and I can’t wait to read the rest. Try to vary how you start and structure your sentences so that they don’t all start with ‘He’. The ISPACE openers on the blog may be of help for ideas 🙂
Hi everyone I hope you all have had a wonderful day so far! This is my English for today.
There was once a superhero called ‘Owl Man’. Nobody in the world knew his identity except for one group of people called Association Owl, A.K.A
A.O! This was a top secret organisation hidden in a volcano, near a donut store.
Many villains have tried to capture Owl Man and see who the amazing superhero is; but no one has ever succeeded, although, that could all change!
Owl man has a mission to stop Team Rocket from creating the ultimate device that could easily find out his identity, all it takes is one simple scan.
~Iggy
Wonderful Iggy, your second paragraph is particularly exciting and makes me want to keep on reading! I wonder if you could add more description to the start? You don’t often get doughnut shops near volcanoes, so I might need some more description to help me picture the scene better 🙂
Hi Everyone,
This is my first paragraph:
This teenager here is just an ordinary boy, or is he? He is known as GAMER BOY. He is known for fighting crime and villains, as he is a superhero. He always needs to try his best to keep GAMER BOY’s identity secret. He is now 16 years old. His powers are:
Telekinesis
super strength
super speed
flying powers
Ice
fire
water
He finds all of his powers very useful because with all of these powers, he can defeat any villain but there is only one who he can’t defeat and that will be his challenge tomorrow.
Well done Marco 🙂 I like how you have built up some suspense in your final sentence. Try not to have the powers as a list. Is there a more interesting way to present them to the reader? Maybe you could give some examples of when he had to use these powers or when he discovered he had them?
Hello Everyone !!
I also decided to make a new superhero since AquaWomen was not really interesting.
********************************************************************************************************************************
Flying Falcon
Flying Falcon´s really name is Mackenzie Peyton.
The way she got her powers was that she was rock climing with her family (outside in the jungle) and she fell of but lucky her a Falcon catched her and the falcon gave her this silver neckles that had the initials FF calved into it and everytime she pressed it she would become Flying Falcon.
****************************************************************************************************************************
I hope you are all having an amazing day 🙂
A good start Elena. Although, this reads more like an introduction to a fact file rather than a narrative. Try to set the scene by describing the location and the character rather than just listing facts. 🙂
Hello everyone
Earth star is A superhero who found out she had powers when she was 16. She is the goddess of the earth and her real name is Terra. Her mom is Mother Nature and her dad is also a superhero called Universe Dude, she has two sisters called Luna and sunny.
They all live together in a normal house in Earth. They never have shown their true identity and who they are. Except once… The metal tree came to earth, a super villain that they have been fighting in space and protecting her for years and years but this time he sneaked past them…
Well done Mathilde, you’ve introduced your characters well. I wonder if you could vary your sentence openers a little bit so that they start in more exciting ways. You could use adverbs, -ing words, similes…check the ISPACE sheet for more ideas. 🙂
Good Afternoon Miss Carruthers!
Lightning Man, a powerful superhero, is known throughout the land for his brave deeds and powerful superpower. He has saved the Earth on numerous occasions but there has always been one villain that he has never been able to destroy: Darklord Crusher. They’ve been enemies for many years and despite Lightning Man being able to shoot lightning bolts, every time he does so, Darklord Crusher blocks them by shooting out a strong wall from his fingertips. However, little does Darklord Crusher know, this time Lightning Man has a cunning plan but it requires perfect timing and perfect accuracy.
I hope you enjoyed my paragraph!?
What a wonderful start to your story Theo 🙂 I love the description and the word choices that you have used to make it so exciting to read. I’m looking forward to reading what happens next, I’m sure you’ll be able to include some speech that tells me more about the characters’ personalities.
Hi everyone! Here is my first paragraph. ? (I have
done a new hero and you might have heard of her).
Eleven:
Eleven is just a kid but is very special. She doesn’t have an outfit so she looks like a regular person. Her real name is Jane (no surname). Her strongest superpower is telekinesis (really heavy things ?) and she can transport herself into a black void space so she could spy on people from different locations. Unfortunately, because of this, she was taken away from her mum and lived in a lab since then. Jane was born with her powers but every time she used them, she gets nosebleeds.
I hope you enjoyed reading my first paragraph ?! enjoy the rest of your day ?.
Really good Renee, well done! When you write the rest of your story tomorrow, try to make it sound more like a narrative as this reads more like a fact file introduction. Good luck! 🙂
Good morning everyone, this is the first paragraph of my story.
As Morph gazed down on the city below, the wind whistling through his jet black hair, he wondered about what the Ancient One had said when he had asked about there being any more Villains. The One had told him that a dark power was arising from the earth, but he would say no more and Morph was hugely distressed about this. Even though, he he’d been told that it wouldn’t be difficult for him, something in the back of his mind was telling him that this would be his hardest mission yet…
Good morning Zavan!
Please check sentence beginning with ‘even though…’
I love how you create suspense by ending with an ellipses!