Hello Class 4!
I was so impressed with your planning and writing yesterday!
You have all tried to use lots of descriptive language and phrases and I really enjoyed reading your plans and opening paragraphs! I can’t wait to read the rest of your stories today!
As you know, Friday’s are for your published writing!
Please make sure you read your feedback carefully from yesterday by visiting our writing blog from yesterday here.
This will help you to improve and avoid getting the same target again!
Try to make sure you haven’t jumped straight to the main part of your story in the first paragraph. Paragraph 1 should set the scene and is your opportunity to show off you descriptive writing!
Make sure your story has a clear build up to your main event (climax) and a resolution.
Use short sentences to build suspense.
Use varied sentence openers and ambitious vocabulary to engage the reader.
When you have completed your story and you think it is read to photograph and send in or to post on the blog STOP! Check it once more by reading it out loud to yourself or someone at home. Sometimes when we read our work out loud we notice mistakes such as missing words from sentences or punctuation errors!
Once you have done all of that and you are definitely happy with your final story, send it to me to read!
Make sure you read your friend’s stories too! If you do, leave a comment to say what you liked about it! It is always lovely to read each others work as usually we have time to read our work to each other in class!
Remember this is a story so don’t feel you have to write the whole thing in one sitting. If you need a break, take one and come back to it a bit later!
The last thing to remember is to have a wonderful weekend!
I am so proud of your continued hard work, I am very lucky to be your teacher!
Looking forward to ‘seeing’ you all on our Monday zoom call,
From Miss Lee 🙂
FOR A PRINTABLE VERSION OF THIS BLOG, PLEASE CLICK HERE: English
I came out this morning in the pouring rain. It has been raining non-stop since the early hours, but I really had to go out as I was going to a friend’s house for a weekend sleepover. I put on a raincoat, boots and a hat and with my backpack I made my way to Charles’ home.
I was walking along the park and I found some people playing in the mud. I was very surprised because I had never seen people playing like that: they were throwing mud at each other! It was such a strange thing to look at… I seemed to recognise a monkey but then I thought that was silly and that my eyes were playing tricks on me. I could not see very well because it was a bit foggy and the rain was still heavy. But I could hear some strange sounds, like a bizarre type of laughter. Whoever they were, they all seemed very happy.
Hello Paolo don’t worry but well done for coming back to the blog to send your first paragraph!
A great first paragraph, it reads really well and engages the reader.
Think about where your story will go next. What is going to be the main even (the problem) and how will you build up to it? Then think how you will resolve the problem at the end!
Good luck!
I saw the most unusual sight in the park today! It was raining so hard that you could have thought that it was being poured out of a bucket. Soon, the deafening thunder and blinding lightning came knocking on the door. For some mad reason, my mum wants me to go out for a walk in the park!?
Once I had put on my boots and zipped up my jacket, I opened the door and stepped outside, not noticing the slimy, wet, knee-deep puddle right in front of my house(?!!!) Halfway to the park, I was already soaked!
At the park there was this crazy ? family, messing around in the mud?♂️. Suddenly, one child threw himself into the largest puddle there, splashing the others in the act. This began a major pandemonium where disgusting muddy water was being flung everywhere! If I hadn’t ducked ? out of the way, I would have been hit! I was very relieved when mum said that we could go home.
Hello Vincent!
Well done for responding to yesterday’s feedback and editing your first paragraph!
The rest of your story sounds great and reads really well! It really engages the reader and I can picture the chaos at the park! Fantastic work!
Next time, think about how you can describe the main event in even more detail with more action! Then think about how you can end your story so that the reader knows it is finished.
Should I write the first paragraph then the second?
Or should I just write the second paragraph?
Hello Pablo this is your published writing blog so it should be your full story!
Nevermind, I will do it in my yellow book.
Ok, send a picture when you are finshed!
This morning I had to go my older sisters house for a sleep over. I had to pack a few things such as a rain coat because it’s going to rain all day and my laptops my X box and my phone. I left and I past the park and I saw some strange people playing in the mud and througing at each other I kinda thought it was weird but my brother thought it was funny ?.
Hello Ciana!
Well done for responding to yesterday’s feedback.
I can tell that you have proof-read your work this time to ensure it makes sense and is punctuated accurately!
Brilliant effort!
Have you written the middle and end of your story yet?
I came out this morning and most people wanted to stay indoors to avoid getting wet.This ins’t the case with the Bolds. Dear me no they love the rain, rain means puddles and mud.Then I saw people throwing mud at each other! I was confused then I took a look then I saw this very strange thing in the background and then I realised that it was a monkey a monkey with mud on top of his head I said to myself today is maybe is the weirdest day in my life!I got my friend to come over then I could tell him what happened we talked and talked then I felt comfortable again as usual then me and my wonderful friend seemed very happy.
Hello Karter!
Well done for responding to yesterday’s feedback and adding more to your first paragraph.
You have added lots more and I love your opening sentences as they really engage the reader.
Try to spread your story out and include lots of detail about the main events.
There should be a clear beginning, middle and end with a build up to the main problem and then a solution.
Next time, use the word ‘then’ less and try putting a full stop to vary your sentence lengths. This will make your writing even more ffective.
Thank you Miss – this is my second part
I was so curious that I went behind a bush and started to spy on them. I saw a giant mud fight and splashes everywhere: they were fighting and running behind trees to defend themselves from one another. Suddenly I saw a small figure coming towards me and it was… Charles! And when he saw me he came to me saying that his mum was so worried about me being late! I dragged him with me behind the bush and showed him everything that was happening. It was like watching a film.
You’re welcome! 🙂
A great second paragraph Paolo!
Your writing has progressed so much! You have engaged the reader well whilst keeping them guessing about exactly what is happening!
Next you could go on to describe exactly what you saw. Maybe the Bolds spot you and Charles and things get out of hand?
2ND PARAGRAPH
My mum went to have a check to but she didn’t see anything ever,we strolled about the park in till i remembered something that it was the hyaenas well THE BOLDS the fake human family my mum thought are neighbours were actually normal human neighbours i did t but when my friend Luke came round for a sleepover and heard a cuckoo bird talking to the hyaenas in a different language…
Hello Albert!
Well done for writing a second paragraph.
You have continued from your first paragraph and began to introduce more characters.
Check your punctuation, is this one long sentence?
Think about where some words could be taken out and a full stop or comma could be added to ensure your story is clear for the reader.
One day I was coming home from school. I was passing the park and at the side of my eye I saw a bunch of creatures jumping in deep muddy puddles. They were all covered in mud and all wet. Till i noticed they were hyenas. I was very confused because who would want to play in the rain and get all dirty and wet. I know I wouldn’t I would want to stay home and relax.
Hello Ajay!
Well done for reading your feedback from yesterday and adding a bit more detail to paragraph 1.
Have you written the rest of your story?
I saw the most unusual sight in the park today.
I was looking at the heavy rain and suddenly something mucky crashed into my window, it was a ball of mud.I got my wellington boots and coat and went outside. I ran into the park and saw something strange…There was a kind of creature family that where playing with mud. It seemed they felt cheerful of all the mud on their clothes and it was nice to watch a delighted family. Behind them was a massive picnic. Then i saw a bird on the table getting all their cake they didn’t see it, they had no idea and i didn’t want to do did ‘hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!’ I was so loud that they heard me what have I done it is a disaster I think there going to eat me because they are looking at me as if I robbed a bank I ran incredibly fast and I could see their dark shadows behind me I felt so scared that I copied a cat and I jumped up a tree.The mum came to me and thought i was her son and said ‘Darling come get some cake’ I just simply said ‘I don’t Know you but is there poison on it’ I know it’s a weird question but you always have to ask the mum said ‘oh sorry i thought you were someone else and there is no poison come and eat with us’ so we all went on the table and ate fruit cake in the rain. They are savage but they can be nice that’s why don’t judge a book by its cover
THE END
Hello Martin!
I really loved the start of your story!
I imagined your character sitting and watching the Bolds for a while peacefully in the park!
The second half sounds a little bit confusing. I like the ideas though!
Next time, Try to have a clear beginning, middle and end to your story.
Use paragraphs and build up to the main event (the problem) using lots of suspense.
Hi ? Miss Lee,
Here is my final story I hope you like it.
I saw the most unusual sight in the park today. As I was coming home from school with my friends it all of a sudden started to rain. I was frustrated because we were going to play in the park together but now we can’t. So I sadly walked home all by my self.When I came home I was so wet that even my shoes were full of water. I ran upstairs had a shower and when I came down stairs my mum had made my some hot chocolade. As I was drinking my hot chocolade my mum turned on the tv.
But then I heard people shouting so I looked out of the window and saw people playing in mud!!! I was very curious so I put on my raincoat and boots and went to look out side. I had never ever seen this before. As I was looking at the people I started saying to my self that,” I know those people I think.” But I couldn’t see just how they were and then I notice how they were they are the hyena family. Then I heard my name being called and it was Bobby and he asked if I would like to join and I said yes!! So we all had so much fun.
Thanks ? Tijne
Hello Tijne!
Well done for continuing your story from yesterday and checking punctuation!
You have used some great vocabulary in your writing!
Next time, try to make sure your story has a clear build-up, problem and then a solution to really engage your readers further.
Hello Miss Lee,
This is my story.
Hi I’m a sparrow and I have three chicks. It was morning and it started to rain it was also feeding time for my chicks. So I had to fly down and find some food, then I spotted some weird looking people (Hyenas.) I wasn’t paying attention and I flew up to my nest to give my chicks some food.
Suddenly something caught my eye, the Hyena family (The Bolds) started to jump in puddles with Mr Mcnumpty the Bear, Uncle Tony a hyena and Miranda the monkey Started to have a mud fight Then I heard a crackle of lightning and a boom of thunder. I could tell that the people in their houses thought that the Bolds where very weird.
To me it was normal because I came from Africa but not for my chicks, as they were born in England. It was also quite fun to watch the Bolds. Mr Bolds jokes were very funny. The fun lasted for three hours. Then I flew down but then Bobby the Bolds son and Betty their daughter spotted me. Suddenly Betty and Bobby started to run after me I had to move quickly. Then Mr and Mrs Bold ran after their children and thank goodness for that or I wold have been strangled to death well at least I think.
Then a few minutes later Mr Bold said that it was time to go so Mrs Bold, Betty, Bobby, Mr Mcnumpty, Uncle Tony and Miranda the monkey left the park in a very messy state. Then I was left in peace.
THE END
Hello Mayowa!
Well done for responding to yesterday’s feedback and ensuring your story has a clear beginning, middle and end!
You have used commas and full stops well which shows you have thought carefully about your work and checked it through!
Next time, think about how you can build up to the main event even more. You could create lots of suspense for your reader to keep them guessing about what might happen next.
Also, avoid starting your sentences with ‘then’ too often.
Have a great weekend!
I saw the most unusual thing in the park today.I started with my normal morning routine of waking up, getting dressed , going downstairs for breakfast and brushing my teeth.That is when I noticed that it was raining and that there were funny sounds coming from bushy park that sounded like laughter.As quickly as I could I finished what I was doing and, curious to investigate, I put on my raincoat and wellies and walked out of the door, ready for the worst.
When I got there, bushy park had lots of puddles and was very damp and wet.The trees, bushes and grass were heavy and leaning and the flowers that were usually so bright and vibrant were now dull and gloomy.I followed the sound to the centre of the park were there was usually a large, empty patch of grass and that is when I saw the most surprising thing in my life.
I hid behind a large bush and watched as a family danced and played around in the rain.My surprise slowly turned into confusion and then into excitement and then back into surprise.Then I realised that if I was seen then I might get into trouble so I slowly and quietly backed away and walked home.
THE END
Hello Clara!
Well done for reading yesterday’s feedback and correcting your punctuation!
Your writing is very descriptive and helps the reader to imagine the scene! Great work!
Next time, think about how you could include more suspense and action in your story to really engage the reader further.
Have a wonderful weekend!
I walked in the thick layers of muddy puddles, mostly trying to avoid them as I splashed past. The dark, cloudy sky was getting heavier and heavier as another strike of lighting hit the ground. I jumped again. Let me explain, the Bolds are very strange people that you are very unlikely to pass by. In fact, they aren’t actually people, their big secret is that they’re hyenas. Mr and Mrs Bold have twins, called Bobby and Betty, an uncle, called Tony, a marmoset monkey, Miranda and a neighbour, Mr McNumpty who is a grizzly bear.?
The Bolds were enjoying a nice jump and jog in the wet puddles and getting themselves dirty. According to me, they were playing a rather hilarious game of mud ball fighting and throwing filthy water at each other. Suddenly, Bobby pushed his sister into an ominously, dark puddle. I would’ve been told off if I were Bobby but not with the Bolds. So I went back home!?????
Hello Elisa!
Well done for responding to yesterday’s feedback and describing the storm in even more detail!
Your sentences read really well and their varying length and sentence starters engage the reader.
You have also used some super vocabulary!
Next time, see if you can create even more build-up and suspense in your story. Then try to create an effective ending too.
Have a lovely weekend!
Hello William!
Thank you for sending in your story!
Turning a car into a submarine… How inventive!
I enjoyed reading your story and you tried hard to build up to the main problem… the mud flood! Super work!
Next time, include even more description in your stories to help the readers really picture what is happening and understand how the characters may be feeling.
Have a wonderful weekend!
Hello Pablo!
Thank you for sending in your work!
I love the use of personification to describe the clouds as ‘raging with anger’ it is really effective!
You have also included some of your character’s feelings to help the reader understand more about the main character.
Next time, see if you can create even more suspense as you build up to the main problem. Keep your reader guessing about what is going to happen a little longer!
Have a great weekend!
Hi Miss Lee! This is my final story for you to read.
I saw the most unusual sight in the park today. While I was going home from school, I got all soaking wet! Why you may ask? It was raining! I ran so fast that I got splashes in my socks, and water in my shoes. Finally, I was home and the rain started to get heavier and heavier. It looks like thunder and lighting was about to hit. I then dressed up in my comfiest clothes and made a rather big cup of warm tea and butter biscuits. After that, I watched the rain as taps of water slid down my window. I got bored so I started to watch the rain drops race down as if they were competing. I then continued to drink my cup of tea until a sound disturbed my resting time . It sounded funny at first but then it got louder..
I suddenly froze by the sight of something unusual. Dear me, to my surprise there were hyenas! I quickly closed my curtains but left a gap in case if something happens since I had nothing to do. I then just sat there watching them play on the ground, throwing mud balls, and telling jokes. They looked so happy, energetic and brave enough to jump into a rather big, muddy puddle! I’ve decided to write their jokes so that I could tell my classmates, not knowing how much time I spent sitting. My foot started to hurt since I’ve been sitting on it for an hour or so. It then went silent. I heard a murmur and they all went, not knowing that I saw everything. You heard me. Phew, I thought as I closed the curtains fully. But as I was closing my curtains, I then realised that there was a lot of mud on my pavement! I’ll clean that tomorrow, I said to myself. I then started to drink a sip of my tea but then realised that I drank all of it. Looks like I’ve been there long enough. I can tell because when I got off my seat the cushion was very warm. Welp. I then got to bed and waited until it was morning. I heard the board cast tomorrow was sunny. That was exciting!
When it was morning, I quickly put on my wellington boots and got a bucket of water. I then cleaned the mud that has been left on my pavement but left some so that I could enjoy the little puddle of mine.
Hello Clare!
Well done for editing your first paragraph after your feedback yesterday!
I really enjoyed reading your story! It almost sounds like you were trapped inside your own house because you didn’t want to hyenas to know you were watching them!
Great work!
Next time, think about how you can include more action in the main part of your story to bring even more excitement to your readers.
I saw the most unusual sight in the park today. As I had planned to meet my friends in the park for a game of Dodge Ball, I woke up early, brimming with great excitement for the day ahead. The morning started with blazing sunshine and clear blue skies. Birds were chirping in the trees, full of the joy of summer. Many people were outside, enjoying the fine, sunny day. I looked out of the window and thought that it was a perfect day for a game of Dodge Ball. However, whilst I was finishing breakfast, I heard a tapping on the window which turned quickly into a pitter-patter. I ran to the window, full of dismay when I saw that it was raining. There was a frightening clap of thunder. Then a bright light whizzed across the charcoal-black sky. The day had turned from one with bright prospects to a gloomy beast of a day. People scuttled about, looking for a warm shelter. Puddles began plinking as the rainfall became heavier. The roofs of the cars danced with raindrops like marbles bouncing off the ground.
Undeterred, I decided to go out any way. A little rain will not hurt me, and I was eager to see my friends. I put on my multi-coloured raincoat and matching wellington boots and stepped outside. I was immediately soaked but did not mind getting a bit wet as it was actually quite refreshing!
As I approached Bushy Park, I came across the most extraordinary sight of a family in the middle of a mud-ball fight. They were also rolling about in oozy, muddy puddles, hooting with delight. Animal-like cackles and squeals of laughter echoed around. Clumps of mud were whizzing all over the place, like cannonballs flying across no man’s land. It was complete mayhem.
Splat! A mud-ball landed by my foot. Splosh! Another landed on my shoulder. Dollops of muddy water splashed my face, then slid slowly down my neck to my chest, leaving brown trails behind. Initially, I was rather cross but then I found myself wanting to join in with this hullabaloo. Since I did not know this unusual family, I held myself back. However, as time went by, I could feel my arms and fingers twitching. Moments later, I could not hold myself back any longer. I scooped up a barrage of mud-balls and threw them at them.
They looked across at me, momentarily shocked, then started flinging mud-balls back at me. It was a sheer pandemonium and ended with us all rolling about in cold, muddy puddles.
At the end of it all, I knew that I had made new friends that would last a lifetime.
Hello Sophie!
This is a fantastic story!
I love the language you have used and the detailed descriptions throughout – well done for reading yesterday’s feedback and following this!
Your story kept me engaged throughout and your sentences read extremely well. A brilliant effort!
Next time, think about including even more action when writing the main even of your story. This will really help to capture the reader’s attention further. You can do this by including dialogue or by adding more details to the story. Perhaps something happened during the mud fight to cause a problem for the characters which they need to resolve? Maybe they were having so much fun that they suddenly realised it was night time and they were locked in the park and needed to find a way out?
I saw the most unusual thing today..my name is poochy,and I am a doggy(a puppy dog.)when I was having a pee break,I saw this kooky family.sure,kids like to jump in muddy puddles,but adults, not so much.(what looked like it)so I went over to investigate.I went over to them,and sniffed them.they obviously didnt smell like humans,and I would recognize that smell anyway.they where hyenas!dirty,little hyenas…
Hello Amarissa!
Did you read the feedback for your writing yesterday?
This seems like another first paragraph, have you written the rest of your story?
If you have I would love to read it, writing from the perspective of a dog is an interesting idea!
Hello Miss Lee,
§1 Hello, my name is Tic Tac and I am a robin. I saw the most unusual sight in the park today: I built my cosy nest on top of the biggest tree of the park. I have five baby birds to feed so I need to go and get worms. I do that every day. Today I expected no one in the park because it was rainy. But there were giggles. I was so amazed.They were too busy to look at me.
They were not an ordinary family. I know that because I can see them jumping in the mud, rolling them self in the mud and playing mud fight.
That is how I know they are not humans. I wanted to be closer but I was scared that will chase me.
I heard one of the child said: ” We want to play more” but the father said: “no we need to go back home” even if he wanted to stay as well. When I saw them go I was really happy because he was calm in the park. Peace at last.
Hello Louis!
Well done for completing your story!
You have read your feedback from Thursday and added more detail and began to add more suspense. Great work!
Next time, don’t forget to punctuate your speech accurately (well done for including speech).
You have remembered inverted commas ( 😀 ) you just need to make sure your speech starts with a capital letter and has punctuation inside the inverted commas.
Miss Lee, I’m pretty sure I posted my first paragraph on Thursday and It is not there! So I do not have any feedback.
Hello Raimundo,
I am not sure I received your first draft for this week.
Did you send a photo of it hand written or post it on the blog?
Hello Miss Lee – could you kindly resend the link to the reading blog? Thank you
Hello Paolo, I have put it on today’s (Monday) English blog for you! 🙂
I saw the most unusual sight in the park today. I was on my way back home. It was raining very hard, and then, I heard some noises coming from behind some trees and bushes. I stopped to listen carefully to the high pitch sound so I could tell if these sounds were animal or human sounds. I could hear a mixture of screaming, laughing and splashing water. As I got closer to the trees, I started realising that there was a big group of 9 people playing with mud, water and puddles! What a weird family I thought to myself. However as I stayed watching them playing, I witnessed a scene full of action where mud kept flying from one side to the other. They did not notice how wet and dirty they were getting because they were having so much fun.
I wanted to stay there longer but it was very cold and I was soaking wet. I started sneezing so this is when I knew I needed to run home. As soon as I got home, I told my mum all about it. She could not believe it!
Well done for completing the writing task Rafael!
I can tell that you have carefully read through your work to check it before posting because you have used punctuation accurately and your sentences are cohesive and engage the reader. Well done!
Next time, think about how you can build suspense in your story. Try to add more detail leading up to the main event to keep your reader guessing about what might happen.