Good Morning Year 6 and Happy Friday!
Friday again!? These weeks are flying by.
I was blown away by your outstanding writing yesterday Year 6-so well done! You are such a creative group of children. I cannot wait to read your ‘published work’!
Once you’ve edited your writing yourself, maybe you could read it to someone in your family? When you read your work to someone else, it can help you identify mistakes. You need to sit together so you can both see the writing, you can hold the editing pen and read out your work. Your partner will then check it makes sense, check spelling and give ideas to make it better.
BBC Bitesize: How to proof read
As I explained yesterday, today you will be continuing Monstrous Devices_ CHAPTER 1 by writing Chapter 2 as if you were the grandfather having a flashback.
Please comment on each other’s work-you are all excellent writers so it is great when you help each other and compliment each other!
I can’t wait to see your writing!
Good luck
Mrs Avdiu xx
Ariella’s writing:
Eliza’ s writing:
Hi miss I am going to send you a picture of my writing
Great!
Hi Elly. Thank you for this. Please have a look at the guidance for this piece of writing. It is supposed to be a flashback written as if you are the grandfather. Could you please edit it?
All done
How did you find it?
Hi miss I sent ur to you did you receive it?
Yes, I’ve already responded. Check the comments 🙂
Thanks for sending your work in Ariella. The flashback is supposed to be written in first person as you are pretending to be the grandad, but don’t worry! I’m loving the range of vocabulary but please could you check the punctuation and capital letters? Also could you try to join your handwriting in the published version so the presentation is different to the draft? I think proofreading will help you identify the errors. Happy Friday!
Hi Eliza, your photo was very blurry. Please could you resubmit it because it’s very hard to read?
Definitely, sorry I got a bit confused
Hi Elly! Thank you for your patience as I manage the year 5 and year 6 blogs as well as prepare the blogs for next week.
I think you have misunderstood – if you are writing as if you are the grandfather, this would mean it is in first person hence starting with ‘I’!
Don’t worry though, it is a great chapter and would make an excellent addition to the book. Great spellings and punctuation. Maybe next time you could include a wider range of sentence openers 🙂
Don’t worry -I should have stated clearly that it is meant to be first person. They are still good pieces of work 🙂
Alex looked around at the dump of toys. Most of them were foreign with only one or two coming from Britain. Alex squinted hard at the many foreign languages but here was no use. It was like gibberish to him. Like an aliens language. All he new was that they were robots and that was that.
Going back to his work another eight messages popped up. And again they were negative. He was being cyber bullied. But he decided that it would be best to ignore them. The robots he was looking at earlier surprisingly detailed. Some of them were interactive and some were from movies and TV shows. Although he was still writing about decaying teeth his mind was thinking about two other things. The robots and the messages. Though he saw them everyday they still fascinated him. As for the messages they were unwanted guests.
Very effective piece of writing. I am so impressed with your wide range of vocabulary! Check spelling for ‘new’.
Thank you Mrs Avdiu,
Here is my edited version:
Monstrous devices.
CHAPTER 2
I remember waking up on a cloudy day staring out of my sad-looking windows. Then I heard my grandson, Alex, crying somewhere in the cottage. As soon as I heard him, I quickly put on my fluffy slippers and went down the newly polished stairs. When I got to the ground floor, I followed the trail of the faint noise coming from the kitchen and I desperately wanted to find him. As I entered the kitchen, I saw Alex’s face and noticed his eyes were puffy and red, full of silver tears. Feeling sympathetic I immediately approached him and asked what upset him. Alex glanced at me with his face full of sorrow and after a long pause of silence, he talked about the kids at his school. It became clear to me that he was having trouble at school. Trying my best to comfort him we spent most of the day playing his favourite outdoor games to get his mind of his school troubles.
It looks superb and I really enjoyed reading it. You’ve worked so hard – I hope you have a well deserved rest this weekend 🙂
Hi miss, it looks like my writing didn’t go through on Friday, but I’ll send it in today as soon as possible.
Hi Ethan, I have checked again and we did not receive anything.
CHAPTER 2:
My love for toys started all back when I was just a child. I was quite a lonely boy, and lived with my Mum and Dad, and never visited any other relatives. My father worked in the garage as a carpenter, taking orders everyday, and often asked my young self for company. The first time I ever saw a toy, was when father received a very interesting order. He began working on a toy, and it must’ve been his hardest order yet. The young me would watch him carefully, studying the wooden robot-like creature. My father had left the garage for a break, leaving me alone with the toy. I looked at it, and it was like nothing I’d ever seen.
A few years later, my father began to train me professionally to become a carpenter. One day, I asked if he could learn how to make a toy car. Father began to teach me, and I was a natural and made a great design. I began making more and more toys, and got hired after turning 22. I learnt how to make more unique toys, and created my own designs. I was very successful, and within everything I made, my love for toys grew. I dreamed to open his own shop, and started saving up for a little shop across the street. My father became very proud of me, but became sick a few years later. At the time, I had only been in my shop for a year, and I had to close it for a while. I was 31 when my father passed, and I still continued my toy shop.
30 years later, my grandson moved in with me, and throughout the years he has become fascinated its toys to. My shop closed down year ago, and I’v settled down for quite a bit. I still do a few orders, and give out a few toys to charity. My love for toys still continued, and though I may be old, the young part of me still lives in me.
Thank you Ethan for this fantastic piece and well done for writing in first person for this flashback.
I really like your use of commas and wide range of vocabulary. Perhaps next time you could try to vary your sentence starters to improve your writing? I really enjoyed reading it and it definitely sounds like it could be an extract from the real book!