Good Morning Year 6!
Gosh, Thursday already!? This week is flying by.
Today we’re going to do some writing! I’m so excited to see what you’re able to write. Today is for practise. That means that you can write your opening sentence or first few sentences on the blog and then I can give feedback.
Then you can finish your writing in your Home Learning Books, making sure you proof read and edit as you go!
Task (to complete by Friday afternoon):
Write a diary entry (at least 2 paragraphs) about escaping with the jewels as if you are
Chaya.
- Describe your conversation with the guard.
- Describe what you had in your pouch and how you felt about it.
Plan your writing in your Home Learning Book.
Don’t forget to share the start of your writing for me to mark and give feedback. However, don’t type it all up today –we want to share everyone’s finished pieces tomorrow.
When you are proof reading and editing, here are some questions you might want to think about:
- Is every sentence correctly punctuated?
- Have I checked my spellings?
- Are my language choices informal?
- Have I written in chronological order?
- Are my verbs in the past tense?
- Have I included vivid descriptions?
- Have I included thoughts and feelings?
Remember, proof reading and editing is such an important part of the writing process!
Miss Gorick and Mrs Healy xx
P.S-just a reminder that I am working at the Hub this week so Miss Carruthers has been kindly approving and answering your questions etc. However, I will look forward to reading your work and commenting as soon as I am able to!
For a printable version of the blog, click here. Thursday
Will we be writing the diary on the blog or in our home learning books?
Good Morning Ethan! Today Miss Gorick wants to see the start of your diary entry. If I were you, I would start planning and writing it in my Home Learning book and then copy the first paragraph onto the blog. Then, you can continue your writing in your book, edit your work and then tomorrow share your finished piece on Friday’s blog (either typed up or send in a photo of your neat, finished diary entry).
Good Morning everyone
Here is the first part of my diary entry:
Dear Diary,
Today was terrifying. If anyone finds out what I did I’ll be in big trouble. Even if it was all for a good cause I think I went a bit too far. For this time while everyone was at the feast… I stole the queens jewels. As I said I was petrified. Nothing could be worse than being found in your king’s palace with a bunch of jewels, right out of the queen’s bedside.
Hi Jeanne 🙂 This is a great start!
T) Could you vary your use of punctuation? Perhaps try using a dash or a semi colon to join sentences.
Look forward to reading more tomorrow!
Here is the first part of my diary entry (or maybe all of it if I take it to far because I always extend my writing way to far and I can’t stop especially when I’m typing on the keyboard.)
Dear Diary,
I think I may have made a big mistake today, or a big success. Maybe I’m crazy and most people probably think I am — correction, most would think I’m crazy, but I haven’t told anyone, so I guess I should just write it down.
It was a regular day, birds singing, sun shining, wing swaying, however for me, I had a whole different day planned. Usually I’d skip down the road, snatch a couple apples and a pouch or two, but instead I rushed straight out of the village, dashed through my shortcut (there went another skirt, another day of mending for Aunty), and made my way to the Royal Palace. Now you probably know what I did, and if you’re thinking ‘she stole something from the King’ your wrong, I stole something from the Queen. I’m planning on telling Neel to, I wonder how he will react, I just hope I wasn’t recognised, for my sake. Now you may call me selfish, but before you do, you should know the real reason I did this…
Hi Ethan 🙂 I like the informal tone, your writing made me smile!
T) Check your use of punctuation. Some of your sentences are very long (with lots of commas) which can be confusing for the reader.
Hello,
Here’s my first few sentences,
Dear diary,
I’ve never been through something so suspenseful before and I can’t believe I’m the most wanted person in the country. Just getting into the palace was one of the most cunning things I’ve done. Jabbing their spears at me, I thought I was done for, but then I thought of that smart lie which could’ve saved my life.
Hi Luke 🙂 This is a really captivating start!
T) Can you make the introduction clearer to the reader? ‘Jabbing their spears…’ allows the reader to infer but I think you should increase the clarity.
Good Morning everyone,
Today was a petrifying day,i can’t even believe i did such a crazy thing.I bet you wouldn’t believe me if i tell you i stole my own Queen’s jewels,But i did!!!The worst part is that i have just put my whole family,friends…,everyone in danger AND i was only doing it for a good cause,though i might have gone to far.Guess what,although this has been a horrifying day,i have just proven to be the best robber in the world cause they didn’t catch me – kind of.Ok i know i shouldn’t be happy,sorry.
P.S:this isn’t actually what happened today 🙂
If you could Miss,after the hub,Feedback would be great 🙂
Hi Jade 🙂
Your informal tone and descriptive langauge captivates the reader!
T) To improve, you need to check for the incorrect use of commas, called ‘Comma splicing’.
This video may help https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNCHbJruutY
Look forward to reading more tomorrow!
Good morning everyone :p
Here is my first paragraph(i focused a lot on the culture of India):
Dear Diary,
Today i stole the queens jewels.No big deal.Im ALWAYS stealing stuff;
From stealing candy from a baby,to steeling the queens most expensive jewels from her grand chambers.Okay.maybe i went just a liiiitle too far with steeling the jewels.But,hey,i would never EVER do such a dangerous thing for pleasure!Anyway,let me tell you how it happened…The moment i entered the royale Palace,i could smell the fresh,hot ,roasted lamb sprinkled with chopped thyme and crushed rosemary.The strong scent of masala chai(a traditional Indian tea,mainly for adults,but i like to sneak in a sly sip from time to time)flew up my nose and smacked its way through my mouth,leaking over my crusty lips,making me drool.
Hi Ariella 🙂 It’s great to hear from you! I really like your informal tone-your use of ellipsis, informal language and description makes it very engaging!
T) To improve, make sure ‘I’ on its own it I not i.
Like Jade, double check for incorrect use of punctuation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNCHbJruutY This video may help.
I look forward to reading more tomorrow!
Ok thankyou I will look at the video now!
Here is my first paragraph:
Dear diary,
You will never guess what happened this morning! I went into the queen’s bedroom and stole the diamonds in her bedside table. I had spent most of the time looking for the key for the table but when I finally found it (it was in her slipper next to her bed on the floor) I had opened the drawer and took all the jewels. Now I am the most wanted unknown thief. I know what you’re thinking, and by the way I am not being selfish. This isn’t for me and it’s for no one’s greed. Also, I have a good explanation. Anyway, let me carry on with the story; when I was about to go out through the back gates a nosy guard saw me and started asking me questions like ‘what are you doing here? And what do you think you doing?’ I just explained to him that I was only looking around; whilst pretending to be very innocent. He was holding me quite hard that I began to wince. Then he let go of me and another guard shouted that the queen’s jewels were missing from her room. Had I closed the door? But now I anyway won’t be able to find out.
Hi Elly 🙂
Thank you for writing your first paragraph-it looks great so far! You have clearly structured your sentences in chronological order.
T) To improve, make sure your tenses are correct. In the third line, the use of ‘had spent’ is a little confusing.
Also, remember commas for embedded clauses!
I look forward to reading the rest tomorrow 🙂
Remember year 6 to read your work out loud so you can hear if it all fits together.
good morning miss here is the start of my diary entry.
dear diary,
Today was a hectic day. Today I stole the Queens jewels. I will give you some time to be impressed. OK maybe I was a little ambitious but I needed those jewels. Let me tell you how this story all began.
It was the day that the public were invited to the Kings gardens for a feast of course I was going to go it was a grand feast but even better a chance to sneak into the palace and grab some the Queens jewels. Of course I was going to the feast.
Hi Nina 🙂 It is great to hear from you!
I like the informal tone which makes your writing engaging to the reader.
T) To improve, you need to make sure that you have used capital letters correctly. Also remember apostrophes for possession e.g. ‘Queen’s jewels’.
I look forward to reading the rest!
Good morning all!
Dear diary,
Today was chaos.I usually write pages on pages of what happened that day but today, I am in a loss for words. It all happened so quickly and…
I sort of stole the queens jewels. Call me the biggest, sneakiest thief, but to completely honest, I have no regrets on what I did today. Even with the whole country trying hard to hunt me down, trying to behead me!
Anyways, I shall start with what happened in the morning…
Hi Jada!
I really like the start of your diary-it really draws the reader in!
T) To improve, remember apostrophes for possession e.g. ‘Queen’s jewels’.
Make sure you have structured/punctuated your sentences correctly. Re read your second paragraph as it needs to be restructured.
Thank you Miss!
I will edit all the mistakes I’ve made!
Excellent starts to all your writing. Miss Gorick is in for a treat when she reads them later!
Remember all your punctuation, even when you are typing on a computer. Some of you have forgotten your capital letters..!
Hello this is the first few sentences of my diary entry:
Dear diary,
I know what I did was a little too much this time, but it was the only solution. I mean, it WAS a bit difference than the usual. Anyway,I was thinking about that poor boy who got hurt by the crocodile, when I walked past the Palace. And I thought , maybe…
What happened next was a blur. The next thing I knew I was in the Queen’s room, then fleeing…
Thank you for reading!!
Hi Laetitia! It is lovely to hear from you 🙂
Your use of of ellipsis engages the reader well!
T) Re read your 1 paragraph as I think that one word is wrong!
Also, remember commas are needed for relative clauses. https://www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/topics/zwwp8mn/articles/zsrt4qt Watch this video for more information.
I look forward to reading the rest tomorrow!
Hi Miss,
I am currently at the hub and will do the task when I get home
Hi Maryana… I think I knew that!
Hello here is my introductory entry paragraph for my diary:
Today I woke up with a great sense of guilt how could I have done that. The jewels they weren’t mine I lied,I stole and I ran away. I do feel guilty but the beauty of the jewels made me happy and for a moment I thought I was rich. Well I wasn’t that selfish because I stole from the rich to give to the poor, I feel like Robin Hood. However I do feel what I did was wrong even though it would help someone else.
Hi Javier ☺ thanks for your introduction.
You have really captivated me as a reader with unanswered questions-I want to read on!
T) To improve, re read your work as you have missed out some key punctuation.
I look forward to reading the rest tomorrow ☺
Dear diary,
I don’t know what i’m doing. I mean, I am used to swiping a few items when shopkeepers aren’t watching, all you have to do is keep a low profile, blend in with the crowd, but I had definitely underestimated the amount of people that were going to be at this festival.
I pushed through the crowds of well-dressed and colourful people, fleeing from the immense amount of guards chasing me…
That’s it for now!
Hi Haleema ☺️ thank you for sharing the introduction with us!
The informal tone and descriptive language engages the reader well!
T) re read the first sentence… It is very long, too long I think!
Dear Diary,
My heartbeat was a raged stampede of panicking animals.
It was the biggest risk of my life stealing jewels, I was chased by the guards
who murmured, “Pass the pouch immediately … don’t push your luck… you’ll be imprisoned!” I had no time to think about what they were saying, I had to escape this luxurious palace. At this moment I asked myself, why would anyone need this many jewels when you live in this immense palace. By taking these jewels, I could help my friend Vijay to get the best treatment for this leg.
Hi Anahi, it is great to hear from you!
I really enjoyed reading what you have written so far. Your use of descriptive and figurative language engages the reader.
T) re read your second sentence. Here you have used a comma incorrectly. This is called comma splicing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNCHbJruutY
As you keep writing, continue to proof read as you go! I can’t wait to read the rest.
Hi Miss Gorick, sorry for my mistakes. I had a problem when pasting my text from word to the school blog. The extra space wasn’t necessary and “the best treatment for this leg” was suppose to be his leg.
This is the start of my diary:
Dear Diary,
Today I think i went a little bit too far. Who am I kidding, I went way too far! I can’t tell anyone, so that’s why i’m writing this. I usually only steal an apple or two, or someone’s wallet while they are not looking, but today I stole… the Queen’s jewels! I think i’m being hunted down, so I better keep a low profile. Anyway, this is how it started…
Hi Gabriel ☺ it’s great to hear from you!
What an inciting and engaging introduction. Well done-you have really made me excited to read on!
The informal, chatty tone is perfect for a diary. As you continue, try to include some description and make sure you proof read regularly.
Remember I not i!
Hi miss! I meant “it was a BIG difference” instead of bit. I’m pretty sure it was autocorrect!
Hello Miss Gorick ,
I was wondering if you received my piece of work And can you put it on the blog please.
Thanks??
Hi Paloma 🙂 I am sorry for not seeing your work. I have been at the Hub which has been very busy!
I have now received your RE, Science, Maths and English-you have been very busy and I am impressed!
Science-You have taught me a lot about giraffes. Your poster was inviting to look at and I will add it to the blog!
Maths-I’m so pleased to see you doing your Maths No Problem worksheets!
English-well done for working so hard with the definitions. I can add your work to this blog!
RE-Your interpretation is beautiful. If you check the RE blog, you will see your picture!
Well done Paloma-keep it up!
Miss Gorick 🙂
Dear Diary,
I think I’ve made a huge mistake. This time I may have ”taken” a lot more valuable.
Today was the biggest rick of my life. I was scurrying towards the the lion gates when I felt a bronze spear poke at my neck…
Hi Tim 🙂 Thank you for posting your first few sentences! I like the suspense that you have created.
T) Just re read your work and check for typos/spelling mistakes!
Here it is:
Dear diary ,
You would never guess what I have just done!
I have never been so scared in my life. What if I said that I… stole the Queen’s jewels would you believe me? Well … it is true. You might be thinking that it is not possible because there are
guards guarding the palace, but there were no one around , i mean no one…
Hi Eliza 🙂 It is lovely to hear from you! The informal tone of your writing makes your diary entry fun to read!
T) Just double check would/will and were/was.